Your dad thinks everything you do is inefficient, incompetent and just plain…wrong. Your aunt wants to gossip about your mother behind her back and pry for information on her sister’s dirty little secrets, your brother insults you with a backhanded compliment, “Gee, nice that you bothered to put some effort into baking this year,” or your cousin one-ups you about pretty much every single thing (you have a BMW? She has a Lamborghini). Or, your uncle is passive aggressive about the gift you bought him, “This looks like a one-click Christmas present.” While it is estimated that only 6% of the population actually has narcissistic personality disorder, there are many people who display manipulative, controlling and narcissistic traits, and it’s pretty likely that someone in every family meets part of the criteria for being a narcissist. You can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family. But don’t worry, here’s how to deal with the dreaded holidays with your narcissistic family member(s): Let Them Be Right Whatever you do, don’t fight them. You already know that when you fight back it always makes things worse. Let them win. Let them believe they are superior. At the root of it all, manipulators fear inferiority. "Remember that they're usually driven by an unconscious sense of shame or inferiority," says Joseph Burgo, PhD, author of "The Narcissist You Know: Defending Yourself Against Extreme Narcissists in an All-About-Me Age." Christmas is definitely not the time to dig in your heels, because Christmas might just end with an aunt, mother or brother as an enemy. So what to do instead? Remember what Bill Eddy, LCSW from the High Conflict Institute does: EAR – Empathy, Attention and Respect. Have empathy for the narcissists complain, listen with your full attention, and respect their opinion. Then leave the discussion. This may mean you end up eating at the kids’ table just to get away from the drama. Be Prepared Sometimes the cruelty of a manipulator can literally take your breath away. Sometimes it can come from out of the blue and you’re left wondering what the hell just happened? Who knows why, in the middle of a pleasant conversation, a narcissist has to drop a big ball of nasty, but whatever it is, don’t take the bait. Instead, stay calm, neutral and be ready with a quick response. “That's one way of looking at it,” or “I see.” If they keep baiting you, over and over, don’t take it! This way they’ll know their efforts to get you spinning are being wasted. RELATED: Why are Psychological Abusers So Cruel, Adversarial and Resentful? Take The High Road Most of us enjoy Christmas because we want to catch up with our families and reconnect with relatives we don’t see as often as we’d like. Unfortunately, Christmas for a psychologically abusive person can be when their jealous, spiteful traits really come to light. If you notice they are trash-talking your loved ones or running people down when they’re not there to defend themselves, you can always take the high road. Example, “Did you see how bad aunt ___ looks?!” You can respond with something that shows you are unfettered by their complete rudeness, “No I didn’t. She’s a beautiful person, inside and out.” Then walk away. What can they possible say after that? Don't JADE – Justify, Argue, Defend, And Explain Manipulators hold grudges for a very long time, even if the problem is perceived, not real. If you can’t avoid the person who’s mad at you from last Thanksgiving’s perceived rudeness, make sure you turn to the old Al-Anon 12-step slogan JADE that reminds us not to engage in justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining. Instead? Think detach. Make Them Feel Important Psychological abusers have issues of feeling inferior at their core. They make up with this dark inner feeling by acting like a huge know-it-all. Give them what they want. Ask them about their important job, their beautiful children, their fast car, their big house and let them beam. For some people, this might chap their ass. In my opinion, making someone feel good is never a bad thing, even if I don't think they deserve it. RELATED: 9 Signs You're A Victim of Psychological Abuse Agree to Disagree It’s okay to stand your ground when you need to. Sometimes they are so foul that it is impossible to give them a pat response. In this case, agree to disagree. “You have your way of doing things that make sense to you, but I would deal with this differently.” Tip: Do not, under any circumstance, let them get under your skin. If you lose your cool and freak out, you're going to end up looking like the family nut, all the while you'll be scratching your head and thinking, what the hell just happened this time? What are your thoughts? How do you handle the narcissist at your family gatherings? Joanne Brothwell, MSW, CLC, is a therapist and author in Saskatoon, Canada with twenty-two years of public and private practice. Narcissistic personality disorder affects more males than females, and it often begins in the teens or early adulthood. While some teens may show narcissistic traits, it is more likely typical of their age and developmental stage and doesn't mean that they have or will develop Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Teens are in the right in the middle of the process of forming their identities and learning how to maneuver their lives- both their inner and outer lives. When I say they are in the middle, I mean that their personalities are not yet fully formed and are still being developed. Thus, they may exhibit traits associated with narcissism, such as being defensive, hypersensitive, selfish, and oblivious to the feelings of needs of those around them. This is developmentally normal. Wondering what is narcissism? Here's a reminder of NPD traits: 1. Lacks empathy and is extremely selfish. 2. Arrogant and egotistical. 3. Insatiable need for approval and reverence. 4. Need for power and control. 5. Overinflated sense of entitlement. 6. Resentment and envy at the success of other people. 7. Vindictive, aggressive, and moody. 8. Defensive and hypersensitive. 9. A shifting personality. What causes NPD? Experts know that genetics, neurobiological factors and personality and temperament play a role and may make an individual more or less vulnerable to the development of NPD. However, we also know that social and environmental factors, such as parent-child relationships can have a huge impact on the development of this disorder, specifically if there is excessive adoration and overprotection, excessive criticism, or severe neglect or abuse may trigger Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The good news? If you believe you are seeing traits of narcissism in your child, just remember that you still have several years to help guide your child to appropriate thoughts and behavior. Having a strong, loving relationship with your child with clear boundaries and an emphasis on encouragement rather than criticism, and guiding them in the development of their moral compass and decision making will help protect your teenager from having their "normal" teenage narcissism turn into a full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Still not sure? If you suspect your teen's narcissitic traits are outside of the norm for an adolescent, seek the help of a qualified therapist. Every Wednesday, November 13, 20, 27 & December 4 & 11, from 5:00 - 6:30pm
Feelings of being defective, worthless and a failure are painful and sometimes feel inescapable after psychological abuse.
“There’s something wrong with me.” In order to shift out of these painful feelings of defectiveness, we need to understand the specific biological factors that fuel inadequacy and how self-criticism roots itself in the body. Therapy addresses these feelings of worthlessness. · Tools to help reverse a sense of defectiveness · How to identify where you are inviting others’ judgment (and how to put a stop to it) · How disapproval gets “stuck” in the central nervous system · How to reprocess the early memories that create a core sense of defectiveness · What happens to the central nervous system when painful memories are recalled · How to override the mind-body impact of adverse childhood experiences · The essential pieces that result in a healthy sense of worth · How to “rewire” the self-critical mind · Why feelings of defectiveness affects neuroplasticity · How shame’s effect on the central nervous system generates negative beliefs · How to cultivate a sense of self-respect · How to approach unrealistic expectations of perfection · How to shift your thinking from being “right” to being effective · How to develop immunity from others’ approval or disapproval The Complicated Mind-Body Connection Emotional trauma has “tissue memory” where the memory gets lodged in our bodies. Our cells are like mini computers that can store information and perform innumerable tasks. This is where the pain is contained. Due to the high level of adrenaline and cortisol associated with the trauma, the memory is imprinted both in our conscious mind as well as our bodies, at a cellular level. Unfortunately, emotional pain can continually wreak havoc on our mental, physical and spiritual health for years following the end of the trauma. Nevertheless, healing trauma that is trapped in your body can occur. My story: I would often notice incredible tension in my chest and that I was constantly over-inflating my lungs. Then I noticed that my leg muscles were completely contracted. I used mindfulness, relaxation and meditation to quietly reflect on what was happening with my legs, when a spontaneous memory came up—one where my father used to tickle me, squeezing my knees with so much pressure it was painful. I would laugh uncontrollably, unable to breathe and tell my father I was in agony. On several occasions I lost my breath entirely and couldn’t inhale and my vision would darken and, as a child, I thought I was dying. As an adult, I realize that there was no harm intended, but as a child, I felt like I was fighting for my life. After that memory, I understood why, as an adult, my lungs were constantly over-inflated, and my leg muscles were completely engaged, ready to “fight” against the potential danger. For more on how to address traumatic memory, be sure to check out my program, The Psychological Abuse Recovery Course, to help to ease these physically embedded memories of trauma in your body. For as long as I can remember, I have always had a fire inside of me, a deep quest for justice that burns in my soul. Earlier on in my life, this fire more resembled rage. The therapist in me knows that rage is a secondary emotion, and that beneath it is something else, usually a whole host of very real and painful feelings, such as sadness, hopelessness, feeling demeaned, abandoned, frustrated, incompetent and worthless. Rage is often a safer emotion; one that keeps us feeling energized, when sadness is so much tiring and bleak.
Why was I so angry? Great question. I believe I was born with a strong sense of social justice, and when I saw social predators emotionally violate people (myself included), it triggered some rather colossal emotions. This rage would sometimes turn inward and sadly, the hurtful, cruel words I heard from these individuals would repeat in my own mind. Those negative inner thoughts have faded, but my instinctive sense of social justice has never faltered, not even for one day in my life. Which is why I’m so passionate about my mission to dedicate my life to help others take their lives back after the trauma of narcissistic abuse and to raise public awareness about the insidious nature of psychological abuse. Join me in my quest to address this serious public health issue that is estimated to affect approximately 20% of the population. Here’s how you can help: Get involved with World Narcissistic Abuse Cause Awareness Day on June 1st. Understand and know the signs of Narcissistic Abuse, and speak out about this injustice. United, we can strive toward a world where love, peace and harmony is all within reach! 8 Questions To Ask Yourself If You Keep Falling In Love With Controlling & Manipulative Partners8/17/2018 Have you ever felt like you were a “garbage magnet” when it comes to your love life? Do you find yourself repeatedly dating and falling in love with manipulative men who have narcissistic personality traits? Are you confused about why this keeps happening to you over and over again?
If so, there are some deep relationship questions to ask yourself that can help reveal why you keep falling for such controlling guys. Read More Have you ever wondered why it's so hard to break up with a toxic partner? Check out my latest article on YourTango.com to learn why.
Lies Women Tell Themselves When They're 'Stuck' In Relationships With Controlling, Manipulative Men7/28/2018 Check out my latest article at YourTango.com on the incredible power of denial in relationships that are psychologically abusive.
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